My Penis Brain

A San Francisco Story

Earlier this month The Edinburgh Castle in San Francisco was shuttered. The following really happened one night in 2013.

My Penis Brain

It was a Monday night at the Edinburgh Castle on Geary Street when I pulled a stool up next to Elizabeth. After I introduced myself she said, “I’m not going to fuck you.”

“It was the last thing from my mind,” I said.

It wasn’t the last thing, unless last meant second because the first thing on my mind was how to put our lips together.

I wore my grandpa’s 24 carat gold wedding band. He died a few years earlier after spending his entire life in San Francisco. I inherited the wedding ring and put it on my forefinger in the hope of attracting love.

When I pulled up the stool next to her, I wanted love, actually, that was the first thing on my mind, but since Elizabeth said the F-word, then fucking was the first thing on my mind.

I have three brains, my actual brain, my heart brain, and my penis brain. Any suggestions to the penis brain takes immediate priority to all other suggestions.

When I saw her my heart brain said: “Ah, the love of my life could be right in front of me.”

When I saw her my actual brain said: “She doesn’t look too crazy, and, if it works out, you can move in together and afford a larger apartment.”

When she said, “Fuck,” my penis brain heard that, took over all functions and said: “Oh, we’re fucking.”

We bonded, she loved books, I wrote books, she had a wonderful smile, and an adorable laugh. I rubbed my grandpa’s wedding ring, my love talisman because she might be the woman.

Then, I found out she just turned 21, and that’s when my penis brain said: “That’s half your age, let’s still fuck her.”

My actual brain went: “Her life’s just starting, let her enjoy her journey with someone her age.”

My heart brain said: “Does age really matter when it comes to love?”

A couple of hours later and it was last call and we were enjoying each other and she said I could come back to her place, but, no fucking.

My actual brain said: “That is a damn smart woman, maybe procreating with her continues my bloodline, and when I write better novels, I’ll have proud kids who will wear t-shirts with my face on them to school.”

My heart brain said: “She didn’t say ‘no kissing’.”

My penis brain just heard the word ‘fuck’ and voided anything before or after it.

At her place we watched TV and cuddled and kissed. After about an hour she said, “I got to get ready for bed.”

My penis brain said: “We got to get ready for bed.”

My actual brain said: “Time to walk through the Tenderloin at 3 a.m. buddy.”

My heart brain said: “We’ll meet again my delicate flower.”

She got ready fast, essentially, she took her pants off, then, changed into a t-shirt right in front of me. I got up to go to the door and she said, “Come to bed.”

And that’s when all synapses short circuited because the heart brain, the penis brain, and the actual brain weren’t expecting that.

I felt the wedding ring on my finger from grandpa. My talisman to find true love after divorce, to be with a second woman until the end of time.

And I spoke for all of my brains when I said: “You said no fucking, I should go.”

When I say I spoke for all of my brains, I meant it was a majority 2-1 vote.

In the hallway at the elevator she chased after me, her lips on mine, our tongues rolling, and she said: “Don’t go, it’s okay, stay here, we can fuck.”

It was still a 2-1 vote, the reason being that I wanted to make this more than one night, I wanted to see if there was a shot at us. If there was a potential for love.

The elevator came and she pulled at my arm, and I pulled it back and went in.

On Van Ness I walked south to Geary. At 3 a.m. the Tenderloin was busy with junkies, pimps, prostitutes, and two adult video stores with private booths to wank in.

It’s not the best place to have grandpa’s golden wedding ring on your finger screaming ‘take me’ to some crack head needing a fix.

It’s not a good place to have your talisman of love screaming to the street hustlers ‘you see this, there’s more, give me a quick sucker punch and go through my pockets’ to some opportunist needing…..opportunity.

I slipped my ring off as I turned on Geary and started my descent down the hill, putting the ring in my pocket it slipped from my hands and fell on the ground. It skipped and jumped down Geary St. towards Polk. I sprinted behind it, trying to catch up.

It gained speed, the crackheads and opportunists looked my way, I didn’t care, I was going to fight if I had to, that was my birthright and love talisman sparkling gold in the streetlights rolling faster and faster down Geary.

It landed and bounced into a rain gutter.

Deep. Way down. Into a slop full of hepatitis, feces, dead rats.

At 3 a.m. in the Tenderloin you don’t want to attract attention to yourself. I screamed.

“Fuck!”

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck!”

My penis brain didn’t react because this fuck had a very different meaning than the previous fucks of the night.

I sat at that deep pit of disease and death, weeping. It was gone.

If I just would have had sex with her, if I would have listened to my penis brain, I never would have lost my inheritance, my love charm.

I didn’t see her again. Losing that ring just felt like an omen. It wasn’t her fault. It was my heart brain and my actual brain colluding against me. I’ll never forgive them for that.

“I told you,” My penis brain said.

****

Thanks for reading. Nights like this tended to happen more often than not for me when I lived in The Tenderloin in San Francisco. Alan managed The Edinburgh Castle and booked me for DJ nights there. I lived two buildings away making it easy to lug a couple of crates of records to the gig. I’m lucky to be friends with Alan and many others I’ve spent time with at what we collectively referred to as ‘The Castle’. It was also a great stop before and after shows at Great American Music Hall and The Hemlock. Somehow everyone tended to end up at The Castle at some point during the night.

Registration is open for The Novel Approach Workshop if you’re interested in working with me on writing your novel. Click the link for more information.